I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
