I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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