I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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