It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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