My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
