At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
