just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
