plz talk dirty to me
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
