So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
