i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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