Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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