The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize