i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
