just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize