best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
