woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
