im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
