Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize