we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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