I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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