So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
