i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
