You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
