Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
