mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
