I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
