I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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