I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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