i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
