I am full of burrito and curiosity
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
