A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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