I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
