Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
