he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize