Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
