My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I need a beard to bite.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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