dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize