My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
