When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
