Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
