respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
