Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
