I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
