I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Text me some of your sweat
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