i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
