Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
