The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Randomize
