I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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