If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
im on a boat
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