Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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