can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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