My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
