my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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