I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
