How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
