What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
