everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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