yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
