Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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