So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
