is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
In America we eat man semen.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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