1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
