So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
